Lois, the unsolicited advice columnist

Lois Thatchbaum 

Dear Melanie,

Well, if you ask me you’d be better off wearing your birthday suit to the interview than that ratty old sweater. It’s not a criticism – stop being so sensitive. I just think a woman has to be realistic about her assets, and you’re not the kind who can wear anything and get away with it. If you were trying to get a job at a slop house, I’d say go ahead with that sweater. But Applebee’s is one of the best restaurants in town.

Think about it: When you’re at the group interview, you’ll be competing with women who look half your age. Well, you will! Don’t get mad at me – I’m not in charge of making women get old before their time. That’s what having kids out of wedlock will do to you. Believe me, I feel for you. If I’d been raised by your mother, I would’ve turned out just as bad, if not worse. You’ve done remarkably well considering how little you’ve had to work with.

Dear Karen,

I know it’s none of my business, but you’re using too much baking powder in those tea cakes. My mother gave me her recipe when I was 21 years old, and to this day I’ve never tasted tea cakes like hers. I’m not saying yours aren’t good, but we did end up giving some of them away at the end of last year’s bake sale. Remember? I told you they tasted like they had too much baking powder, but you said I was crazy.

It’s such a shame. We needed all the sales we could get to raise money for the choir’s trip to Atlanta. Giving your tea cakes to that homeless family down on Steele Street just about tore my heart out. I mean, really – practically throwing money away like that. If you had just used a little less… fine! I’m just saying it’s not how my mother made them.

Dear Ken,

I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

Dear Jocelyn,

Don’t you think that’s a bit selfish? Of course we’d all love to go to college and pursue our childish fantasies, but who’s going to fix Mark’s dinner while you’re out learning architecting? Well maybe you’re right – maybe I am behind the times. If being a loving wife has gone out of style, then I guess that makes me old fashioned.

Now that’s not fair. Everybody knows I was a model wife right up until the day Jeffrey walked out that door. Can I help it if he got the mid-life crazies? It’s a biological fact that men with receding hairlines are 40% more likely to leave their wives during middle age. What can I say? I gambled and I lost. But you can be damn sure when that baldy walked out my door it wasn’t on an empty stomach.